Dirty Money

It's kind of funny how most of the stories I post to my blog, inevitably lead back to my adventures, and experiences of working at CLC, the local Christian bookstore I've been with for seven years. This is a story involving Scott A., a staffer that was with us for about 4 years. The story begins with a heavy-set black woman entering our store and perusing the various Christian diet books that promise instant salvation along with instant weight loss, which by the way, is a curious combination of loss and gain. Anyway, after browsing the diet books and holy cookbooks for about 20 minutes, she finally brings her purchases to the counter. Now this is where it gets a little interesting. Scott finishes ringing her up, and tells her her total. Maybe it was $10 dollars, maybe it was $20...doesn't really matter. It's what she does next that does matter. She calmly and purposefully reaches into her shirt, aggressively poking around under her bra, until she comes out with a slighty disheveled $50 dollar bill. Then, with a face straighter than an arrow, she says to Scott, "You don't mind a little titty money, do you sweetheart...oh, and can you break a fifty?!" Now sometimes I might sat this in jest, but this time I really thought Scott was going to have a coronary right there on the spot. I was poised to take over just in case, but Scott managed to finish the transaction without any medical emergencies, something that seemed inevitable for a few minutes there. Oh, the good times we have at CLC, and how I shall miss them when I leave.

Stuck!

This is actually a retelling of a story that happened to me a couple winters back here at CLC when there was about a foot of snow and ice covering pretty much all of South Jersey. I woke early enough to get myself to work on time knowing it was going to be a very slow drive. I even called our area supervisor that morning just to see if he even wanted us to open the store, considering the road conditions. Thankfully, I managed to eventually make it to the store with a few minutes to spare. BUT, that was when the excitement began. As soon as I put the key in the door, and started to pull the door open, I realized I had a problem. Because of the build up of ice and frozen snow in front of the door, I was only able to open the door about 6 inches, however, the alarm goes off once the door is opened even an inch. So now the alarm is going off, and I can't get through the door to reset the alarm that is only about 4 feet inside the entry. Panicking, I tried to squeeze through the narrow opening to get to the alarm to shut it off. BIG MISTAKE...I got stuck half-way through the opening, and couldn't even budge the door. So now I am stuck half in the store and half outside the store with the burglar alarm blaring across the parking lot. That was embarrasing enough, but THEN the police show up to arrest the idiot who got stuck in the doorway of a Christian bookstore while trying to make off with a load of Bible Bars! It took about five minutes and some creative explaing to get out of that one. Oh the memories.... ;-P

You Might Be A New Jersey'en...

If you approach every traffic circle with the idea that it just might kill you...You might be a New Jersey'en

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If you have a 15 year old collection of old beach tags stuffed in a utility drawer somewhere in your house...You might be a New Jersey'en

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If your idea of a gourmet dinner is Mac and Manco's and a Birch Beer...You might be a New Jersey'en

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If you've never quite grasped the fine art of pumping your own gas...You might be a New Jersey'en

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If the word 'WAWA' is part of your daily vocabulary...You might be a New Jersey'en

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If you consider Millville part of the deep south, you might be a New Jersey'en

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If you are able to accept the fact that eating 'Monkey Bread' doesn't violate your vegetarianism...you might be a New Jersey'en

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If your idea of a family vacation is a two day stay at the Cowtown Rodeo...you might be a New Jersey'en

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If you've ever had to medicate yourself before heading to the Department of Motor Vehicles for 6 hours...you might be a New Jersey'en

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And finally, If the word 'Shoobie' is part of your daily summer vocabulary...You are defianately a New Jersey'en

A Slight Change

As you may or may not have noticed, the former "Daily Blog of Thoughts and Pondereings, is now "My Random Blog of Thoughts and Ponderings". The thing is, there may be some times when I may not be able to post every day, and I certainly wouldn't want the title to be misleading, so there you go. Anyway, I shall endeavor to post as often as possible. Hopefully, starting tonight. Bye for now.

Clerks

Going to the grocery store is such an unbelievably crazy experience any more, especially on the weekends. I remember when I was a kid, and the Acme shopping center down the street was the grocery store of choice for most of the people in our area. Things were altogether different back then. There were less than a dozen cashiers on staff, and most of them were there for so long that eventually you knew everyone by name. This was also a time when a computer was a calculator, so scanners were not exactly an option. Thus, every item had to be scrutinized by the cashier in order to find the randomly placed pricetag somewhere on the product. Now this could be rather awkward at times, as you might guess. Certain items were better left un-scrutinized. So, usually you had certain cashiers to go to for certain products. Foot fungus cream...it was Marge at register 7. 'Depends' under garments, it was Eddie at register 2, or ...Marge at register 7. The worse part was when you would go back a week later, and Marge would ask you how the foot fungus was going. Marge was hard of hearing and spoke loudly...very loudly. Anyway, the reason I bring up the scanners, is because I the first time I saw the self scanners, I realized how much I liked them. I find it difficult to just run in and only buy (1) of certain products. For example, if I go into Shop Rite and bring up just one roll of toilet paper to the register, I feel shamed and embarrassed. As if I am so out of touch with my household toilet supplies, that I don't realize I need toilet paper until it's too late. Yet, with the self scanner, one can buy his or her toilet paper one roll at a time completely guilt free. More importantly, this also works with foot fungus cream.

Things REAL Men Should Avoid...(Let's See How Many We Can Get)

1) NEVER own or openly walk any dog smaller than an official NFL football.

2) NO hooks in the shower stall...Men't shouldn't be hanging anything in the shower.

3) Should NEVER be able to name more than (1) daytime soap opera, and the (1)better be General Hospital.

4) NEVER read anything on the 'Oprah Book Club' list.

5) Should NOT have a favorite color with more than 6 letters in it. ex-(periwinkle)

Cats, Party Balls, and Horseshoes

When my younger sister Brenda and I were growing up in Somers Point, we had a horseshoe pit in our back yard that we would play from time to time, usually during unauthorized, and unsupervised gatherings involving many friends and your various alcoholic beverages, usually dispensed by way of something simply referred to as a 'party ball'. Which by the way, was one of man's great inventions. When you saw someone coming out of the Circle Liquor Store carrying a 'party ball', you knew there good times ahead for that lucky person. Anyway, as to my earlier point. It was during times of non-use, that the sand in the horse shoe pit would begin to attract the area cats. I suppose in some ways, it probably looked like a huge litterbox waiting to be used. The worse part was that you never knew where or if you were ever going to grab something you didn't want to, when you played a game later on down the road. Normally, and if possible, I would offer to let some one else play a game first, and then I would agree to play the winner. It just worked out better for everyone that way...this is SUCH a rambling, random blog. I should probably go now.

Bring on the GOLD!

Just a short entry tonight as I am watching all the great Olympic events televised tonight. It was great to see the U.S. win the gold in the 400m relay. Who's talkin' now Frenchy?!?!...anyway, onto another interesting topic involving the Olympics. I find it odd, yet incredibly amusing, the incorporation of women's beach volleyball into the Bejing Olympics. Can you imagine the faces of the Communist Dignitaries in Bejing as Chinese televisions around the country broadcast two scantily clad American women, running around on a small beach in bikinis, pummeling each other with volleyballs. Oh yeah, that's gotta be good. One other little side observational question...how is it possible for a man with nothing on but an impossibly tight banana hammock wrapped around his waist, to dive 100 feet into a swimming pool, and still remain camera ready...so to speak? I've seen PG-13 films with less skin, but I guess the Olympics are Greek.

Flintstones vs. Jetsons

This morning, as I was waiting for the rain to stop, I began haphazardly surfing the plethora of channels graciously provided by our local cable company, when I came across an old episode of The Flintstones. As I was watching the current episode, one that I had probably seen a dozen times previously, I started to think about another ol' favorite...The Jetsons. And that led me to think about which would be a better world in which to live; Bedrock or Orbit City. Now of course, most people would probably say Orbit City, and with all the great technological fun to be had, I would be hardpressed to disagree. How great it would be to simply hop in my jetcar, and head off to work, without having to worry about parking at Wawa, or... dealing with half the city of Philadelphia simultaneously converging on exit 30 in order to avoid the slightest chance of a raindrop ruining their weekend. Not to mention that really cool conveyer belt ride that somehow has you dressed, presssed, and ready to go by the end of the ride. Cool. It sure seems that Orbit City has it's perks. The Flintstones however, have one REALLY good thing going for them...you don't have to worry about gas prices when your car literally runs on foot power! See ya in Bedrock!

Who Says God Doesn't Have A Sense of Humor

After having told the following story at work today, and realizing just how redemptively amusing it was, I decided that I would post it, and share it with my fellow blogateers. This will be a rather short blog entry, but hopefully entertaining nonetheless. A few months back, during a Friday afternoon at work, when the store was pretty busy with lots of shoppers milling about, I noticed a man outside the store who seemed to be doing some kind of cock-eyed salsa dance on the sidewalk. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I kind of figured either he was mentally ill, or maybe he just REALLY liked to dance...a LOT. Well, all that changed in a hurry when he suddenly ran straight to the door, opened it up, and at the top of his lungs yelled "SATAN LIVES AND RULES!!!!!" Now, at that point, everyone in the store was pretty much reduced to a collective awkward silence. That is, until.......as he turned away from the door, and began running toward the other end of the lot, his foot caught the wooden garden frame that runs along the sidewalk, and he literally went horizontally into the air about two feet, and continued to land smack dab on his pretty little face. He laid there for about 7 or 8 seconds until he and 'Satan' slowly, and finally got up and walked away. Many were amused that day. I know I was :)

Next Stop, Pleaseeeeeeeeee...!

I had the unique, and pleasant experience this morning of taking the state's public transportation to work , while my new friends at Galloway Auto conspired and discussed myriad ways in which to suck the life out of my wallet, including the infamous diagnostic fee. No more than 5 seconds after the bus began to pull away, I began to wonder if it was possible to flag a cab down from within the bus. Don't get me wrong, the smell wasn't that bad, but I was wondering if maybe I had somehow boarded the wrong bus. Two seperate people were talking to themselves, one of which sounded like they were loosing an argument to no one in particular. At the same time, a woman on a cell phone was literally cursing someone on the other line because they bought her a pack of Marlboro's instead of Winston's, and how was she expected to work today without her Marlboro's. Finally, and this is really the kicker. An older woman in the very front, with two different shoes on mind you, was out like a light and snoring like a mountain lion. Oh wait, that's not all. Did I mention that 87% of her boob was hanging out of her shirt... I got off 7 stops before mine, and just walked the rest of the way. I was about 15 minutes late, but the trade-off was well worth it!

Who's Your Bible?

Today at work I began clearing out some random stuff from my desk drawers, as I get ready to work my final day October 31rst. I have a feeling it's going to get here a lot quicker than I think, especially because I still have so much left to do. Going through all the stuff that has collected over the past seven years brought back some memories, mostly funny ones. I'm not really sure why most of them were funny. I mean, they could have all been really crappy memories, but that would have been really sad, and probably not blogworthy. So as it was, I found them funny memories. Shortly after I started working at CLC, I had my first 'King James Perversion' as we would come to call it. A middle-aged African-American woman walked into our store and asked if we sold Bibles. And of course, being a Christian bookstore, we had many. So I asked her, "Do you know what type of bible you are looking for?", and she replied, "Well, I be a new Christian, and don't be knowin' too much bout' the Bible, but my girl in Detroit said there's like, uh, a Rick James Bible, or some kinda James." And I calmly and straightforwardly replied, "Rick James was a Super Freak, BUT...King James was a Jesus Freak!...She just stared at me for about 10 seconds as if my head suddenly popped off, and finally said "Hold on yo, let me call my girl and see if thas' it."...[Only in America...lol]. Another funny true story, and yes, it really is true; A guy walks into our store and askes if his special order was in? I asked him, "What was it that you ordered?", and he replied, "It was a book called 'Controlling Your Anger Before It Controls You', and it was under the name Surgey". So I looked underneath, but didn't see anything, so I checked the computer to see the status. "Well Sir, I see your book was ordered, but it hasn't arrived at our store yet. I would expect it in tomorrow"...His short and direct reply was, "Screw this, I don't have time for this shit!!..Cancel the order". And with that, he walked quickly and purposefully toward and out the door. About 20 minutes later, Tom, the UPS Man, showed up with a package he forgot to drop off earlier, and of course, inside was one fresh copy of 'Controlling Your Anger Before It Controls You'...Funny how things workout ;-P

Mondays!

So the day began with a 100 decibel version of Rhinestone Cowboy blaring out of my alarm clock speaker, reminding me it's time to hit the snooze once again. The problem was, this was the extended version, so seven minutes later I was blasted once again with the sultry sounds of Glen Cambell cannonballing through my head. The torture alone was enough to get me off the mattress and headed straight towards the coffee cabinet. "Crap!" No more coffee, or maybe just enough for a quarter cup. I cursed myself for leaving it in there, and went about looking for a teabag. I didn't even care which kind it was, as long as it wasn't peppermint. "Crap!" It was peppermint. I couldn't believe I was about to drink peppermint tea. So, I proceeded to heat up a cup of water in the microwave. "3 minutes", I thought. Three minutes later I am reminded that I hate the bell that goes off to remind me I just put something in there three minutes ago. Twenty minutes later, I remembered I left peppermint tea in the microwave and that I really dislike it. Now I'm running behind, so I hop in the shower and turn on the hot and cold, very thankful that there is an H and a C on the handles. Takes out the guesswork, and helps reduce injuries. It's very important to pay attention to that when getting in. After applying some ice to my arms from the burns and finally getting the shampoo out of my eyes and quickly drying off, I proceeded to brush my teeth with the wrong toothbrush. I live by myself, so I was thinking, "This can't be good". Finally, just about done. All I needed to do now was finish my cold, nasty peppermint tea, save some time by ironing my work shirt while I'm wearing it, and head to work. I couldn't believe Tuesday morning was here so quick. By the way, this was Monday morning, my day off. And now you know why I hate Mondays!!

Proud To Be An American

Who could forget one of America's all-time greatest superfem crusaders, Wonder Woman. Some would say the American flag never looked so good, but the bigger question should be; where has Wonder Woman been lately. Well, after discussing the matter with some Hall of Justice insiders, it would seem that Wonder Woman has taken on a more covert identity. An anonymous source within the leaugue has stated that for the last 5-6 years WW has been involved in covert operations in Iran and much of Afghanistan. Much of the information is classified, but according to the source, the capture of Saddam Hussein and his subsequent hanging, were due in large part to the efforts of WW and her magic lasso. Come to think of it, the noose that was used DID seem a little familiar...

UN-Srabulous!

This is just a short blog entry to address the mass hysteria spreading across the Facebook globe. As of July 30, 2008, Facebook users in the U.S. and Canada will no longer be able to access their Scrabulous games. Maybe your asking why, or maybe you're so disinterested that you haven't even made it to 'Maybe'. Anyway, from what I hear, Hasbro is suing Facebook and has gotten a temporary cease and desist order. So, as of July 30, 2008 I hereby blogify to the world that I will no longer be purchasing products made by Hasbro. This includes but is not limited to; Spirograph, Battle Trolls, Glow Worms, Lincoln Logs, Lite-Brite, Trivial Pursuit, Play-Doh, Easy Bake Ovens, G.I. Joes, Luke Skywalker Action Figure, My Little Pony, CandyLand, Parcheesi, Boggle, Nerf Footballs, Battleship, Yahtzee, Twister, Monopoly, and finally...SCRABBLE! Please join the movement, and say "HAS-NO"!! That's all I have to say about that...Wait, I should point out that I don't actually OWN a My Little Pony. That was the first thing I got rid of yesterday.

Summer Days

As I was driving to work this morning, I started to think about how great it is to live near the beach. Unfortunately in New Jersey, living near the beach also means dealing with the cavalcade of Philadelphia drivers, who apparantly think the term "safe driving" has more to do with golf courses in friendly neighborhoods, than it does with avoiding large moving objects, and singlehandedly making the Somers Point Circle an optional death trap. However, with that being said, there is no other place quite like summertime in South Jersey. From the pizza thieving seagulls on the boardwalk who remind us it's OK to look up every now and then, to the unskilled 'surrey' bicycle riders who are more than capable of running over 3-4 pedestrians at a time while simultaneously shoving a loaf of Monkey Bread down their throat. Which reminds me, don't forget all the GREAT Food! , Mack and Manco's Pizza, Johnson's Popcorn, George's Macaroons, Steels Fudge..(OK, I need to stop). Wow...I am really hungry now. I think I will go to the boardwalk after work. Yes, I think I will.

I Hate To Complain, But...

Let's face it. Complaining about things rarely does any good. In fact, it usually just makes you feel worse. So for most of the week, I've tried not to complain. No matter how bad things were I just kept it to myself, at least most of the time. After all, nobody's perfect. But after one week, it seems I'm beginning to weaken, and I may not be able to keep it in much longer, so I've decided to take a minute and list some things that really annoy me, in the hopes it will relieve some tension:

1) Best-Buy tech-support geeks that look at you like your an idiot when you are unable to tell them what the sub-ratio of your dual processor is in relation to the syntex decoder speed.

2) Any one of my towns (6) six fast food drive thru workers who mysteriously hear the word 'mayonaise', every time I say 'ketchup'. I've even tried saying 'catsup', but to no avail.

3) No matter what time in the morning I go to get my coffee at WAWA (it's a convenient store to those who have never been east of the Mississippi), there is always the same thrift minded, middle-aged woman in front of me who ceremoniously decides to pay for her Newports with $6.10 worth of ziplocked nickles, dimes, and pennies.

4) It's hard to walk 20 feet on our city's bikepath, without stepping in some dog turd left by an owner who apparently thinks that because it's bio-degradable, that it's somehow good for the community's local flora and fauna.

5) MONDAYS!